The Blessing of a Skinned Knee by Wendy Mogel

Author:Wendy Mogel
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Scribner

STOP NAGGING, START FOLLOWING THROUGH

Our goal as parents is to get children to take responsibility without having to remind them all the time. Ultimately, we want them not only to do their chores without being prompted but also to volunteer their services. We want them to ask, “What can I do to help?” rather than, “Do I have to?” To encourage this attitude, you must present chores as an inevitable but honorable element in their lives.

When instructing your children about the chores you want them to do, be friendly, matter-of-fact, brisk, and specific. You can avoid misunderstandings by having your children repeat back to you, in their own words, what you’ve asked of them. “It’s time to get supper ready,” you might announce. “I need Caroline to set the table. Derek, you can peel the carrots and chop the celery. I’ll chop the onions and the garlic. Adam, you can fill the water glasses and put in the ice as soon as your homework is done but no later than six-fifteen. Everybody understand? Any questions?”

Such an announcement will probably be met with a long silence or the inevitable protestation, “That is not fair!” In response to silence, you will carry on: “Let’s make sure everybody knows what they are supposed to do. Tell me what you heard me say. Caroline, you start.” In response to the complaint that the system is unfair, you can do an instant examination of your conscience. If you determine that the job apportionment is basically fair, treat the protest as a canny stall and say, “I hear that you feel strongly about the injustice of this system.” Or to the younger child, “I heard you say that you don’t think this is fair.” Then make it clear that fair or not, these are their duties.

If you are speaking to two or more children, you might say, “I offer you this option. You guys can set up a chart system to rotate the chores and I’ll help you organize it if you need some help. If you don’t want to rotate the chores, then we’ll sit down and talk about how to devise a fair system at our family meeting on Sunday night. But for tonight these jobs need to get done and I’m not willing to talk about it any further. Do you understand? If there are any more complaints about this, there will be consequences that you will not like.” (See Chapter 8 for suggestions about appropriate consequences.)

You should not have to say this every night! Tell them once that you will tell them only once. Constant reminding, nagging, or screaming leads to death—of your child’s sense of accountability. Pretend that your child or children are members of a troop of soldiers, a pack of wild donkeys, a litter of sleepy kittens. Use whatever image you need to remove yourself from the personal aspect of the situation. There is a job. It needs to be completed. You delegate, they do. You do not do everything and then simmer in frustration and resentment.

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